When I was in seventh grade, my nemesis ripped my school picture into sections, scotch-taped the pieces back together, and then passed around the disfigured-looking picture to our schoolmates, egging them to say nasty things.
“Heather’s a monster.”
“She looks retarded.”
“So pretty! Yeah, pretty ugly.”
It was hurtful. And I cried about it at home. But within a day or two, the picture was lost or thrown away and the incident faded. My guess is that none of the bullies even remember it now. My memory is the only record.
Kids aren’t so lucky today.
The picture would have been posted on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, and maybe even stored in a photo vault. The bully and her minions would have been forever cast as the mean girls. And I’d have had the nasty picture, the LIKES, and the resulting comments digitally frozen in my Internet history.
Like I said, kids aren’t so lucky today.
Girls especially.
With the iPhone camera ever ready, there is a constant pressure to record each moment, to snap pictures, and subsequently to accumulate LIKES and SHARES. Even the most well adjusted young girls are concerned about their looks and online profiles. The pictures that are the most popular are the hot ones. NPR did a fascinating story (click here to watch) about this hot-photo-to-LIKE-ratio.
Recently, the issue hit home when my daughter attended the birthday party of a thirteen-year old friend. Beforehand, she agonized because it was a whirlpool party and the expectation was that all the girls would pose in their swimsuits for a hot Instagram photograph.
“What should I do?” she asked.
“Keep your T-shirt on.”
“But everyone will make fun of me.”
“Well, then just stay under the water.”
And that’s what she did. In the picture on the birthday girl’s Snapchat story, you can see my daughter, from the neck up, in the back of the whirlpool.
At least she had a plan going into the situation.
The pressure is constant.
Girls vamp for the camera.
Hands on hips.
Butts popped out.
Stomachs sucked in.
Hair just right.
Click.
It’s a nasty by-product of the Kardashian era. There’s an unrelenting undercurrent that equates popularity with bare skin. Feminists might argue that it’s a girl’s choice of expression. That we’ve fought to get to this point—that we’ve earned the right to flaunt it or not flaunt it.
But it sure creates a parenting dilemma.
Teenage boys make wild, impulsive decisions because their frontal lobes are not fully developed. Well, let’s not be sexist. Girls do stupid things, too—for the same stupid reason boys do: they’re kids and they’re subject to peer pressure. And they want to be liked and to fit in.
Social media is unavoidable.
Today, a picture becomes more than a picture, but rather a part of who a person is—once taken, it’s frozen and always accessible. Colleges search online profiles all the time. Kids are creating photographic histories that will surely outlast their youthful mistakes.
The hot photo debate seems like small potatoes when you hear about sexting and drinking photographs going viral. But this is where it starts—with the acceptance of baring too much, too early. Everybody’s tolerance level gets higher (both the poser’s and the viewer’s). And before you know it, SEND NUDES, becomes the plea (again check out the NPR story – click here).
So what’s the answer?
Maybe one solution is The Grandparent Litmus Test.
I tell my kids that if they’d be embarrassed if Sue Sue or Pop Pop saw a picture (of themselves or others) that they have on their phone, then the picture is not okay. Do not take it. Do not pose for it. Do not post it.
Don’t do it.
DELETE.
I hope they are listening.
The stakes are high.
It’s dangerous.
No longer are mean girls passing around your rearranged school portrait. If the wrong digital image gets out there, it could fly away with your life.
Kids aren’t so lucky today.
Click.
***
Thought For The Week:
Social media is changing the way we communicate and the way we are perceived, both positively and negatively. Every time you post a photo, or update your status, you are contributing to your own digital footprint and personal brand.
Amy Jo Martin, CEO Digital Royalty
Have you ever posted something on social media only to regret it later?
As a writer, I am horrified when I re-read my posts and find a typo.
***
Read the first three chapters of my novel WHAT THE VALLEY KNOWS HERE. I hope you love it enough to want to buy the book. Find it on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Black Rose Writing. Happy reading!
“A taut, compelling family tale.” Kirkus Reviews
Till next time,
Heather 🙂
Excellent read- every parent needs to talk about this subject with their children!!!
Sadly, yes, this is a tough time for teens. My daughter at a very young age experienced a FaceBook bully (yes, she was a close friend who had just slept over our house). The arrangement to have FB was that we also had her passwords and had to approve any “friends.” We watched every inch of it. My daughter heard that this friend had messaged her about an argument so I went on before her, forwarded the message to myself (for proof if the girl denied it) and deleted it. My daughter then unfriended her based on me telling her it was mean and that she didn’t need that in her life. The girl of course confronted her (mainly through texts as they really don’t even know how to talk out disagreements anymore), telling her it wasn’t mean, insisting she read it, etc. I was very proud of my daughter when she said “I trust my parents.” I contacted the school (not to make matters worse–I didn’t give the girl’s name) but to alert them to the fact that with all of their anti-bullying strategies and seminars and assemblies they still had not reached the students on the technology angle. This is bullying and they don’t get it. The counselor told me she could offer a safe mediation for them to work our their issue. As the girl continued to pressure my daughter about reading her message, I told my daughter to ask her to simply print out the message and bring it to mediation to read aloud to you in front of the school counselor. The girl wouldn’t do it. There’s the proof. If you can’t look someone in the eye and say what you need to say, then it shouldn’t be said. The anonymity of the screen gives too much power. As an online instructor, I’ve had things written to me that I know would never be said to my face. I now have to put this right on my syllabus. Stop, imagine yourself saying it to them and if you can’t don’t write it. Plain and simple. While social media does have its benefits, the anonymity, tentacles, and permanence of it scares the daylights out of me! As a parent, I constantly remind my kids of this and encourage phone “calls” instead of messaging, text, and posts. This will do us a world of good. (I know this went way off topic but it’s all swirled together, I think). Great discussion opener.
Great points, Lisa! I think your example ties in perfectly with the dangerous side of social media. Thanks for sharing!
Very well said. I agree with you all the way. You are a very good mother and going the right things to protect your daughter.
Thanks for sharing
Thanks, Dolores! I’m doing the best I can. It’s not an easy world out there.
Such an important topic Heather! Great read.
Thanks, Nancy!
Great blog- This is one every parent needs to talk to their child about! Also can’t wait to make this dinner- Sounds and looks AWESOME!
Thanks, Denise! Yup, it’s important that we help our kids understand how serious the repercussions can be.
So important. As a single mother, I felt as if I entered hell when we got a computer and cell phones. At the time, there was no Facebook or Instagram. Thank goodness. Now, my kids teach and try to explain the lifelong ramifications of getting caught in this misogynist mentality. Adolescents are not yet able to fully grasp “that it is a choice of expression.” Rather, I think it is a manipulation by so-called friends that they, the manipulated, are not cognizant of. I loved Lisa’s remarks. Also, I think it is a great parameter to have your kids, all kids, think about how their grandparents (special loved ones) would feel upon coming across a negative portrait of any kind. Thanks.
Great points, Geri! Social media creates a whole other dimension that older generations never had to worry about as kids. The electronic age is creating another dimension of reality. NPR did a program last week about this new 7th dimension (social media). It’s as real to kids as the “real” world—what happens online is as powerful as what occurs in person. It’s scary. However, I am encouraged as the children’s books section of publishing is outpacing other sectors and, I think, it is because new parents quickly realize how powerful the connection between a book, a child, and a parent can be. So, there’s hope (I hope!). Thanks for reading the blog and sharing your insight.
Spot on Heather!
Thanks, Rachel!
You got my attention. Glad my children are all grown up because this is a real problem.
It’s so frightening to think about how easy it is for our kids to make very bad social media decisions … my kids (ages 12 and under) are still banned from using Instagram and snapchat, but I know that soon it’s time to lift the ban and teach RESPONSIBLE use.
Thanks for writing this wise and important piece, Heather!
Thank you, Carol. It makes me happy that you’re following the blog.