Sometimes I feel like I’ve gotten snagged in a time warp. Another school year is over. The night air is turning warm and humid. Lacrosse playoffs are in full swing. My son’s high school graduation is Saturday. And my daughter’s recital is in three weeks. The 4th of July will be here before we know it.
Then a week at the bay.
In August, a send-off dinner for my son.
It’s hard to believe, but . . .
The last summer is really, truly be here—the last summer that both my kids will be living at home. With each flip of the calendar page, there is an unsettling sense of an impending ending.
How did this happen?
It felt like it was a week ago that I was stuck at the pool with a two and four year old. It was 100 degrees. I was worried about my post-pregnancy swimsuit figure and constantly afraid that one of my kids was going to drown. Kindergarten, never mind high school or college, seemed like it was years away. I remember locking eyes with another child-laden mom in the baby pool.
Wouldn’t it be nice to sit under that big shade tree reading a book? She seemed to say with her eyes.
Yes, I answered telepathically. I can’t wait until my daughter’s old enough to swim on her own—until she doesn’t need me anymore.
It slipped by without notice, but I haven’t been to the pool in three years. My daughter doesn’t need me to help her swim—she’d be horrified if I showed up there now. She has her friends. Her cute swimsuits. And boys trying to catch her attention.
The other afternoon, I was cleaning under the bed and found a lone green Lego piece. Our family’s days of building imaginary brick worlds are long gone. When my kids were little, I had an urge to push them forward, to get through and be done with this phase. And the Lego phase was no different. Maybe it was my busy work schedule combined with the intense attention small children require that made me want to rush things. Or maybe it was the way I hated how those tiny Lego pieces ended up all over the house.
Rush. Rush. Rush.
If I could go back, I’d slow down.
Build a few more Lego castles.
I tucked the little green brick into my jewelry box lest I forget.
Who stole the American Girl dolls? And the five hundred stuffed animals? The princess costumes? That giant dollhouse?
Maybe I should call the cops and file a police report. It’s all missing.
I’ve been replaced with friends, lessons, and teams—their own interests.
And where did my sweet little son go? There’s a grumpy, six-foot teenager in his room. He grunts and says, “I don’t know” a lot.
And that beautiful young girl living in the bedroom where my headstrong toddler used to sleep asked me to pick up tampons and mascara at the grocery store. Oh my God!
There’s a middle-aged woman with fine lines around her eyes and gray roots staring back at me in the mirror.
It’s quiet here most Friday and Saturday nights.
I’m not a young mom anymore. My kids don’t need me in the same way that they did when they were little.
But the other day, my son asked me to throw the lacrosse ball so he could practice shooting. So I did.
And one morning last week, he said he wanted me to watch Boyz In The Hood with him. My desk was full of to-do lists, articles to proof, and real estate calls to return. To be truthful, I was looking forward to an uninterrupted block of time to complete my work.
But.
Green Lego.
We watched the movie together and then talked about it. It was one of the few quiet times we had together this year.
My daughter gets chatty late, late at night just about the time when I don’t think I can possibly stay awake another minute. But I do. And we talk. As long as she needs me I’ll be there.
And they still need rides.
And advice.
And boundaries.
Like newborns, they seem to need to be fed all the time. Along with the toys of childhood, the food is vanishing at a rapid rate.
But the times they are changing.
We’ve made it through so many phases. We’re headed toward new horizons. Interesting adventures. Exciting beginnings. I plan to savor each moment—not rush things. Watch a movie. Have a talk. Even if it means putting my stuff on hold.
And that’s okay.
It’s what all parents want, right? Independent offspring. My mother assures me that my kids will always need me just like I still need her, that each age brings its unique set of growing pains.
I guess I just wasn’t prepared for how fast this un-needing would happen. Warp speed, I’m telling you. It’s as if the laws of physics break down when you’re a mom.
The lasts come flying at you like asteroids.
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My kids’ last first-day-of-school picture together (2017).
#greenlego
Update: This version of this post was re-syndicated on ScaryMommy, titled I Wasn’t Ready For This Phase of Parenthood: The Un-Needing.
***
Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them.
They move on. They move away.
Mitch Albom
***
Like this post and want to read more about little kids turning into big kids?
Try these quick reads:
Would This Make You Cry?
A Letter to My Son As He Enters His Senior Year
***
My novel, What The Valley Knows,
is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Black Rose Writing. Click HERE to read the first three chapters for FREE!
xoxo,
Heather
“A taut, compelling family tale.”
Kirkus Reviews
❤️
Another good read Heather. In January my youngest is heading to Penn State. I can relate to every word!
Thanks for reading, Jerry! I can’t believe how fast it’s gone.
🙂
Warp speed, baby!
Thank you Heather; I feel like you wrote this for me! Griffin goes back to St Joe’s today and I’m going to drive down to help make his bed after my open house – he said he didn’t need me to help him but, I NEED to help him.
Oh Rae! I remember when your daughter started college, I was feeling your melancholy. This is such a bittersweet time of year; things end and new things begin. Godspeed, Griffin!
I needed this today Heather! Thank you…I know what you mean!!
Me too, Tina! Thanks for reading!
Wow another great read. I can totally relate. 2 kids in high school now very crazy. I want it to slow down. 😘
Where did our little kids go? Here’s to new beginnings and exciting adventures for our BIG kids!
Again, you brought me to tears. I have a small red Lego in my change purse. People kept asking me why it was still in there. I would joke that I’d end up stepping on it anyway if I put it back. I realize now I was just holding on to a place in time.
I hear you! I have a hard time getting rid of bits of my kids’ childhood…the bunny dress, the first soccer uniform, the teddy bear❤️! Keep that Lego!
Every week your blog makes me cry. It’s a gentle reminder to slow down and savor every moment. Thank you.
You’re welcome! Enjoy those little boys❤️
Your children will always need you. It changes , but gratitude comes ! Beautifully written.
Another enjoyable weekend read Heather. You have a true gift for expressing the essence of parenting.
Keep up the great work !!!
I look forward to next week’s post.
Thanks for following and commenting, John!
Great blog! Like Tara, I am filled with emotion. ‘Sunrise Sunset’ keeps running through my thoughts. When my kids were younger and about to embark on a ‘new horizon’, I would place my hand on my heart, gather my love into a fist and with a mom’s magic gently thrust my love (and protection) into each of their hearts! They and I still use that sign language to quietly share our feelings.
Right now, I’m going to get out the photo albums.
I love the symbolism of you taking the love from your heart and passing it to your kids. Beautiful! Going through old photo albums sounds like a wonderful way to spend a Sunday. Enjoy!
Spot on. I have just one more week with my oldest. Making throw pillows and dry erase calendars for her dorm room are helping me to feel like I’m still needed. While it’s the natural order of things, it’s still hard to grasp when it’s right in our faces.
Enjoy this last week! It’s hard to let go, but it’s an exiting time, too.
Excellent read Heather, it brought back so many wonderful memories! The next part of life with your children will be just as wonderful though. Watching them grow into adults, getting married, having those wonderful grandchildren! I feel just as close to my children now as I did when they were little. We went to Disney together last February (my oldest will be 31 soon) and we had a different time than when he was five, but it was just as much fun. And better yet, they had such a fun time with us, they want to go another trip next year with us. Great times are ending, but new fantastic times are just around the corner.
Trinity, thank your for sharing such an encouraging message. I know exciting times are ahead for my kids.
This is exactly how I feel everyday now!
I’m with you, sister!
Honestly, the “needs” they have as they get older are so much cooler than just being watched. It’s a REALLY fun time; a kid in college.
I am looking forward to the next stage…I just get a bit sad saying goodbye to their little kid phases.
I have enjoyed reading your blogs. Your sentiments stir my own feelings as our children are similar ages!
Keep writing. You have a gift!
Sharon, thank you for reading and commenting. It’s comforting to know other moms are experiencing the same feelings and emotions that I am.
Oh the green Lego remark got me right in the feels! Wow, it seems like we are living dual lives. I have a junior and an 8th grader. I know time is not on my side and I have to find all of the green Lego’s I can. Thank for your story.
Truth! As I try not to share unsolicited advice with my 41-year-old daughter, I find myself now eye-to-eye with my 12-year-old grandson. How could this have happened so quickly? I always have plenty to pray about, and I sometimes wobble with being in the present moment. I’m still growing up, too. Your posts always resonate with me, Heather. So happy we met at Oley Community Library. 🦋
Thanks for reading, Linda!
Loved this article! Heather Christie nailed it! Sent to me by my neighbor when I was literally curled up in fetal position a week after the college drop off! It’s like dropping them off at day care, then summer camp and “retiring” from the job I loved when the hours became incompatible with that above mentioned daycare, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Lol.
Anyway, loving the new possibilities… like going back to school to finally pursue that doctorate and the now scheduled Sunday night FaceTime chats, where on the last two I saw only smiles. This time, when it mattered the most, he was ready before I was, clearly, and for that I am grateful! So much better than the old days when it was the other way around! Those tears, years ago when I then had to pull it together and get to work, ripped my heart out!
This time, though, like Mary Tyler Moore and my super capable son, this mom is, “gonna make it, after all!”